Tag Archives: self-discovery

(Personal Essay) The Muse and the Mirror: Performance, Acceptance, and Reclaiming the Creative Voice

Grandma knew I was an artist. I was four when she observed my building worlds out of paper stacks on her kitchen table, crafting kingdoms from the stories we told at lunchtime. I drew myself over and over, one day supplemented by fantastical prostheses and the other stretched or warped by whatever wizardly powers I decided I possessed in that hour. My sense of self existed solely in my head and in my hands. I wrote story after play after poem, and she told my mother and father, “Camille’s an artist” before the serving of soup at suppertime. I was raised as an only child playing in a magical forest with borders as boundless as those of my head, isolated from extensive social interaction, in the solace of imagination, and desperate for performance.

I do not know my body. I have never known my body. In my early years, it was nil but a vessel transporting my innermost whims to the physical world. At thirteen, it became a medium. At fifteen, I let the medium take me over and I bought my discount paints at Shoppers Drug Mart. I merged from writer to player to Greek sculptor, etching my physique to perfection, chipping away at my unique physical deformations as if they were scum on the edge of a Donatello. I have never known my body. I have never been comfortable in my body — not only in its appearance and sexualization, but in my physical sense of self in the social world and how vulnerable it is to critique. I spent my adolescence herding my selves into normalcy, striving to ignore my bodily confusion, my conscience sifted through the influence of popular media and gender-biased sexual education. I grew in a world where my body became the most important canvas to explore and decorate, the most important craft to perfect, always living in need of constant improvement and decoration. I found my self-expression dwindled, and so I began to craft narratives under which to frame my desired state of living, hell-bent on pleasing the social masses, attempting to reprogram isolated parts of my psyche and throwing others into stark neglect. I inhaled desirous need, exhaling falsehood.

But I was an artist. My body, my face, and my social media profiles all supplied an outlet to perform, and perform I did. I cut my hair when I was eighteen in an emotionally deviant frenzy of expression, in a cry for freedom from myself and from these bounds. I told myself, more so than ever, that I was comfortable with the affections of young men; I wasn’t. I’m still not. I directed my personal expressions outward, desperate to write and perform for an audience that would take my creations to heart or to mind. I wanted praise, not for myself, but for what I was able to create. I performed all the time. I performed online, I performed in casual conversation, and I lost my audience. I began performing for crowds of social pseudo-cynics. I still perform for them.

And I fear womanhood. I speak to and work with and know so many young women, and I worry for them. I fear for the future of the online social market and further communication of unconscious lies. I fear for the omnipresent influence of biased education, and false dichotomies between science and the arts confining self-expression and limiting artistic pursuit. I fear for the future of expression itself, in my case chained by stigmatic conceptions of womanhood and sociocultural norms into which I do not fit. In those harder years, the more I dabbled in creation, the more I yearned to abandon it for fear of social mockery or unjust critical reception. I felt jeered at and mocked by the woman in the mirror. And yet I still created. I created my own limits. I let my artistic impulses reign over me, not by choice but because they boiled in my blood, thirsted (and continue to thirst) for the bile beneath my skin. At eighteen, my entire life revolved around the element of performance, and whether or not I could maximize it to its full potential; at eighteen, I moved away in search of an escape either from the toxicity of my surroundings or from myself. Or both. All my life, the voices and lessons of my peers and attackers echoed like sermons. The women in my life and I, we were taught to neglect the hungers of womankind, and submit with naive compliance to the dominant gender; either consciously or subconsciously, we did.

And so my days rained puzzle pieces for awhile, whopping down to my window in torrents, and I frenzied around, desperate to pick up the pieces — force them together in a muddled yet quasi-complete cohesion. I surveyed the pieces: my romantic interests. My wants. Expectations of me. My anxieties. My sexuality. What I say versus what I feel. My socio-critical reception. The edges do not fit. The puzzle is incomplete. Even when I moved away from home, settling down in a city still struggling to find a voice — fitting, isn’t it? — I became happier. I found people who lived me. I tried to insert myself into communities I thought would best suit my involvement. I thought about the people I had hurt back home — those I deceived, knowingly or unknowingly, and those I longed to forget. I think of them constantly, even now. The pieces still did not fit, even in that new and magical place. As much as I feared living under false premises, expectations, and allusions, I still perpetuated them in my mind and appearance. In the midst of so much change and triumph still lurked bold and unwavering happiness.

So I stopped performing. I pursued a liberal arts degree. I started writing again. I started reclaiming the body, which at that point felt more of a stranger than a compatriot. I picked my own mind. I thought of things I wanted to think of. I began reclaiming every inch of myself I’d lost to the world, and the world responded in buckets of gratitude.

I reclaimed my mouth with words that better reflected my opinions, and not with the words of others carefully rearranged to fit the carefully constructed self I wanted to become.

I reclaimed my mind, on my nineteenth birthday, with some mental health diagnoses and one hell of a good smoothie…. and some books that my professors recommended I read. I am reclaiming it constantly.

I reclaimed my scars, not just emotionally — but the physical ones that have manifested all over my face and body — the remains of a turbulent adolescence. I call them my Battle Wounds. I love them now, even if they’re finally fading.

I reclaimed my anxieties, my sadness, and my sporadic feelings of isolation and self abuse with names, and with proper understandings. I still work on this one every day.

I reclaimed my aesthetic appeal with turtlenecks and flouncy pants, grown out curly hair and vintage glasses frames. Still in progress, but I feel great.

I reclaimed my words, channeling every inch of self I abused, lied to, hated, and perpetuated into my first play, Anonymous. I watched in horribly anxious fury when the script made its way back to my old high school and was sent around, selected portions tying inspired-by-semi-true-events to the story completely omitted from thematic/contextual ties and snarked at. I was reminded of the toxicity in my life before this fall, both in people and environment. I stand behind my accomplishments with unwavering pride. I’ve learned my lessons.

I reclaimed my body, which I viewed for so long as a good to parade, a valuable commodity on the hot market available on display for rental and/or taking. I now see it as its own trophy, one that celebrates its hardships and rewards its physical and emotional strength.

And, for the first time, I feel absolved from the limits I tortured myself with. I now spend my time learning, rebuilding the mediums I lost in vain, and creating and performing now not for public acknowledgement or acceptance, but for the sake of contributing a brushstroke to the world’s artistic masterpiece.

I’ve always found extreme comfort in attempting to navigate the chasms of my mind, this summer more than any other. My diagnoses and I are good friends now; we help each-other daily, and recognize each other’s weaknesses. I spent the month of May darting through European cities of my dreams, finding myself in every corner of every museum, gallery, and historic landmark, every colossal church which affirmed my beliefs not in the presence of a higher power, but in the ultimately delicate nature of people. We hurt one-another and we love one-another. We exploit for personal gain, we make mistakes, and we destroy — but we’re all we have. Sufficient to stand, yet free to fall. I learned to learn for myself. I learned to enjoy without documentation, and live without the world tracking my every movement. I love my family, my friends, and my beautiful puppies. My life is art in itself, and I love to be holding the brush.

There has been no greater personal quest than the reclaiming of my own body and mind.

I am tired of performance. Not the kind I have reclaimed in artistic expression, but performance in the social world. The more I come to despise specific chambers of the internet, the more I scorn its diluting of our already fragile understanding and perceptions of communication. I am trying to reconstruct my online presence in a healthier way, and document the highlights of my life via scrapbook or collage or notebook. Most of the greatest adventures of my life remain offline now and forever. I can continue my life as an emotional vagabond in the depths of the world without a like button. I look forward to improving on my self (and worldly) awareness… I of course use the term “self-awareness” loosely, for so much of my understanding wallows in the subconscious, lurking like a trout in the shadows until a cold hook thrust from the depths of collective reality brings something else to light.

My Grandma was right. I may not be an artist in the professional sense, and am unsure what path I will take, but I have always been an artist beneath the skin. So long as there is creation, I will fear its absence.

But my voice is not yet clear, both artistic and personal. My body knows itself no less than it knows the streets of London, and my mind will never be superlatively familiar to me, or to anyone else for that matter. I am still performing every day. I force myself into a clown suit in acts of anxious self-concealment and protection. I am not free from my anxious or depressive bonds but, again, we coexist. As women, artists, and inhabitants of this miraculous world, perhaps we are forever bound to exist in fragments, or worry of a future with no synthesis, no ultimate reassurance in fate. But we have our minds, our hearts, and each-other. There’s a lot of merit in that.

I hope you’ve enjoyed me tossing another scrap to the hungry muse in my heart’s crevice. Thank you to everyone who’s put me here. Never stop looking.

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A Love Letter to the Muse/My Own Version of the “Coming Out” Story

I was thinking about writing this post in the middle of a lecture on Keats and romanticism, listening to the round echoing of my favourite professor’s voice chant the last two lines of Ode on a Grecian Urn in subtle singsong, watching the girls in front of me type away and sip at their Tim Hortons cups, watching the quiet boy near the right side of the classroom wonder what to say next.

Let me give you a visual: surprise, surprise! I’m in a sleek, navy blue turtleneck. My 1950s-rimmed glasses came in last week, and my unruly curls are just hanging out of all kinds of places. Let me tell you — throat infection aside, this has been the most emotional and important week of my time here at University. I’m about to tell you why.

It started with the closing of One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest. After the show ended, we were all onstage taking our final bows and something just cracked in me and — conventionally unemotional-in-social-situations Camille — just started bawling. In my eyes at least, it was just the world’s biggest disaster. I tried to play it off by saying that I was crying because I knew I would miss the show and the people and I’d never felt so at home in my life, etc. etc. (which is true and partially it), but here’s the full truth: I knew I’d made a wrong turn somewhere. For half the cast party, I was all philosophical and miserable because of it. And I hate genuine misery.

By this point, it’s no surprise that I have devoted my entire life to the arts. I’d spent the last four years of high school lingering around the theatre, directing and performing and indulging myself in every artistic endeavour I could find. It was just something I did — I couldn’t control it. Without it, I’d go mad. I’ve always known that.

I came into University in the Social Science faculty with the dream of pursuing a degree in Political Science. I thought it was practical. I’d gotten very interested in law in high school, and figured poli-sci was an acceptable avenue to explore before applying to graduate programs. I imagined I’d get some government job somewhere, perhaps in politics, and wear fancy woman-blazers to work every day. I’d still do arts on the side from time to time, but they wouldn’t be my focus. And I’d be super rich, you know, and own lots of clothes from stores I’d never even think of going into now. That’s the kind of life I imagined for myself, again, because I thought it was practical. Let me get straight into the nitty-gritty.

This week, I dropped out of my political science module and social science faculty here at school to pursue a double degree in the arts. That’s the best way I can put that. If you want me to elaborate, I’m not quite sure how. I made the executive decision in this same English class about two days ago. I decided it was time to start being honest with myself — I hate political science. University poli-sci is just the worst. It’s boring and philosophical and makes me want to die. Four more years of that?! I’d go nuts. That’s the truth of it. I’m going nuts now.

So I figure I’ll double honours major in English Literature focusing on textual Theatre Studies.

Anyone and everyone that knows me could see this one coming. My teachers in high school, my roommate, my friends not only from back home but here at Western… even my mom. It was inevitable. The arts found me for good, god damn it. With this degree, I’m not only going to be able to study plays, directors, and forms of theatre, but physically perform (and possibly direct in the future — I hope so) in various productions every year. It’s the best of both worlds. It’s perfect for me and for what I want to do.

Furthermore, my parents have been nothing but supportive… however, I know that they feel this choice was a “step back.” They both think that I will never get a job in the arts; they’re banking on me applying to law school in four years. Which I still will, because my interest in law is and always has been genuine.

I feel so relieved. Mostly because, for the first time, I have no idea where I’m going to end up after graduating post-secondary. That excites me in a way. Having been raised by two travel enthusiasts has certainly widened my sense for adventure and uncertainty.

You know, when I was hanging out on Skype with my dad the other day telling him about my decision, I felt like I was filming one of those “coming-out-as-gay/lesbian/+-Youtube videos.” It was horrifying. I was sitting there ugly-crying, going “I’m sorry, I know you don’t approve or understand!/You don’t know what it’s like to wake up every day living and breathing all of this all of the time/I can’t shut it off, it’s like a reflex, like nothing else holds any importance/I can’t stand to be headed towards something I’m not completely immersed in and in love with when I’ve found my passion, found where I am mostly myself/I belong to this…” And, GOD, all this cheesy shit that sounds like I’m a delusional thirteen year old tasting love for the first time.

But let me tell you — if you’ve ever known what it’s like to live and breathe something completely, something that enthrals you and captures your entire state of being so much so that it fuels your whole god damned life and every piece of it — those are feelings you can’t repress. If you feel you were truly made to study something, to explore and indulge in something, to feed your soul with something, then that’s what you should be focusing on. Even if there’s a chance you might end up poor for a few years of your life. It should be a risk you are willing to take, to wake up in the morning and think to yourself, “I love what I study. I’m where I should be.” That is the kind of person I want to become, and those are the kinds of people that I admire with every part of myself. People with genuine passions, things that drive their minds forward.

Another thing I’ve learned: you can’t hide from your true self at University. Oh no, you’re completely on your own. Alone sometimes, with your thoughts and doubts and things that make you tick. You might as well accept them, because fuck, you’re just never going to change. I know I never will.

*Breathes long, heavy sigh of exasperation, looks around the University Community Centre wistfully at a group of tourists seeing the place for the first time. Takes in the air, watches the clouds roll by, hopes it doesn’t rain. Pathetic fallacy? Wonders how to end this blog post. Smiles to self. Things of emotional, inspirational quote to end this thing on, but for the first time there are no actual words.